I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages. 'He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here. 'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.' Tommy Cooper More Quotes by Tommy Cooper More Quotes From Tommy Cooper So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". Tommy Cooper paris humor funny And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas. Tommy Cooper airplane humor funny I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.' Tommy Cooper cheese-sandwiches humor funny I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.' Tommy Cooper humor night funny So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster". Tommy Cooper turtles humor funny Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted. Tommy Cooper humor funny two A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar. Tommy Cooper iron bars men Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns. Tommy Cooper gun humor funny Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. Tommy Cooper humor funny lying So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' Tommy Cooper humor house funny So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?" Tommy Cooper humor men funny Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners. Tommy Cooper shops humor funny Man went into a bar, he only had one arm. Guy sitting next to him said 'Hey, you've got your sleeve in my drink', man replied, 'There's no arm in it' Tommy Cooper humor men funny Went to the paper shop - it had blown away. Tommy Cooper humor paper funny I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost 3 days already. Tommy Cooper whisky beer lost So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck". Tommy Cooper humor eye funny Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience! Tommy Cooper funny-marriage toilets wife Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. Tommy Cooper Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house. Tommy Cooper gambling family together house I'm recovering from a cold. I'm so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I'll cure someone. Tommy Cooper cure full someone cold
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