Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience! Tommy Cooper More Quotes by Tommy Cooper More Quotes From Tommy Cooper I went window shopping today! I bought four windows. Tommy Cooper window-shoppinghumorfunny I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure Tommy Cooper indecisivehumorfunny Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. Tommy Cooper humordrinkingfunny Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?' Tommy Cooper tastedoetwo So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms." Tommy Cooper girlbeautifulfunny A dyslexic man walks into a bra. Tommy Cooper humormenfunny A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms" Tommy Cooper humormenfunny Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. Tommy Cooper bullshithumorfunny 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' Tommy Cooper humorhomefunny A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot. Tommy Cooper humorblowfunny And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.' Tommy Cooper humorfunnypeople A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.' Tommy Cooper crazysillyfunny A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." Tommy Cooper barshumorfunny Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them. Tommy Cooper couplehumorfunny A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.' Tommy Cooper assistantsdogfunny I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter. Tommy Cooper violinhumorfunny I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days! Tommy Cooper whiskeyscotchthree He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. I thought, "That's a turn-up for the books". Tommy Cooper humorfunnybook I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." Tommy Cooper humordogfunny You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' Tommy Cooper motivationhumorousfunny
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