I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better. Joan Rivers More Quotes by Joan Rivers More Quotes From Joan Rivers Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce. Joan Rivers turkeys sauce enough Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it. Joan Rivers stitches girl done Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet. Joan Rivers daughter believe book Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.' Joan Rivers husband doors night My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat. Joan Rivers gynecologists hats body I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it! Joan Rivers dykes damn proud I think I've lost 3lbs - I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa. Joan Rivers spas lost thinking I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway." Joan Rivers lasts girl mother Looking 50 is great, if you're 60. Joan Rivers age memorable birthday Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet! Joan Rivers motels plastic surgery My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake. Joan Rivers meals would-be perfect The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan. Joan Rivers icons gay sound I think we all in comedi business, especially when we reach a certain age, are divas up to a point. I love when a limousine comes for me, I can't lie about that. I love when you go to a restaurant and they say, "Come this way, Miss Rivers," and you get a good table. I love all that, the perks that come with the business. Joan Rivers missing lying thinking I use a smoke alarm as a timer. Joan Rivers timer alarms use I've always hate child stars, starting from way back when, when I was a child. The first child star I saw was Shirley Temple. She was six years old, two foot six and the biggest star in Hollywood. She wore ribbons in her hair, and frilly little pinafores and shiny patent-leather tap shoes - just like the boys in Glee do. Joan Rivers hate stars children Life is very tough, you know. You sit at a dinner party and talk to the person on your right or your left, you're going to hear something terribly sad, or horrible, or awful. And you just laugh at everything. I think it was Winston Churchill who said something like, any time you get someone to laugh, you're giving them a little vacation. It's so true. You laugh for one second, you're happy. I find in negotiations, everybody's sitting around looking so serious, I say something funny and it breaks the ice. And it's like, now we can get through this. Joan Rivers vacation party thinking I'm at the top, top, top of my game now. I'm so happy to be on that stage, I'm in control of it, and I love every minute of it. I walk onstage in rehearsal and I start to smile. And so I just don't care what anyone else is doing. Do what you want, say what you want. Nobody else can do what I do onstage. Nobody. Joan Rivers care I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it. Joan Rivers hell holy water I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body. Joan Rivers bed husband thinking I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack. Joan Rivers breathing husband sex
