I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better. Joan Rivers More Quotes by Joan Rivers More Quotes From Joan Rivers I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented. Joan Rivers business looks thinking I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you. Joan Rivers boss matter people No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card. Joan Rivers hands-up library men My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor. Joan Rivers doctors kings father I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked Joan Rivers naked guy dumb With this face, I need all the deals I can get. Joan Rivers deals faces needs There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one. Joan Rivers adjectives nice names Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!! Joan Rivers noses jobs needs There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl. Joan Rivers female girl beautiful I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done. You can tune me out, you can click me off, it's OK. I am not going to bow to political correctness. Joan Rivers regret political party You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money. Joan Rivers love-and-marriage spit doe As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.' Joan Rivers wedding funny sex But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night. Joan Rivers party humor night I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir." Joan Rivers littles beauty sex "I've learned what's funny verbally ain't so funny on e-mail: They don't hear your intonations. Melissa broke up with somebody over that. She tried to tell him: "That was a joke!" But he just didn't get it. Mick Jagger said, "F- 'em if they don't get the joke." And I love him. That comes with age: Knowing it's their problem, not mine." Joan Rivers i-love-him humor knowing And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window. Joan Rivers parenting motherhood baby My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark. Joan Rivers historical life-is sex That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax. Joan Rivers six-months baby needs My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood. Joan Rivers flying humor mother The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse. Joan Rivers awards funny people
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