I write 200 columns a year, you know. That means I have to have 200 opinions a year. Sometimes, I don't give a damn one way or the other, but that's my job, so I got to take a side. Lewis Grizzard More Quotes by Lewis Grizzard More Quotes From Lewis Grizzard I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence. Lewis Grizzard educated knows people In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'. Lewis Grizzard clothes differences mean It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato. Lewis Grizzard garden summer food The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it. Lewis Grizzard sick drinking way There's no such thing as being too Southern. Lewis Grizzard too-busy southern guidance "Have you done your homework?" my mother would ask. "I'll do it later." "You will do it now, young man. I don't want you winding up on the third shift at Flagg-Utica." Flagg-Utica was a local textile plant. Somehow, I never could figure how failing to read three chapters in my geography book about the various sorts of vegetation to be found in a tropical rain forest had anything to do with facing a life as a mill hand. But with enough guilt and fear as catalysts, you can read anything, even geography books and Deuteronomy. Lewis Grizzard mother fear rain The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity. Lewis Grizzard success motivational football It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month. Lewis Grizzard scandal news children Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different. Lewis Grizzard yankees talking mean You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?' Lewis Grizzard dog attitude funny Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing. Lewis Grizzard making-love dancing thinking Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. Lewis Grizzard hilarious marriage funny Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. Lewis Grizzard race leadership dog The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards. Lewis Grizzard frozen locks trying I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married. Lewis Grizzard marriage inspiration sleep Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck. Lewis Grizzard ducks use sex I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower. Lewis Grizzard next smoking noses God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done. Lewis Grizzard god-bless cash done Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard. Lewis Grizzard grows money tree There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that. Lewis Grizzard love life funny
