Then, finally, the third year, begging the parents, I got the Superman Halloween costume. Cardboard box, self-made top, mask included. Remember the rubber band on the back of that mask? That was a quality item there, wasn't it? That was good for about 10 seconds before it snapped out of that cheap little staple they put it in there with.

Jerry Seinfeld

More Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld
Categorized in : YearsSelfHalloween
More Quotes From Jerry Seinfeld

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

Jerry Seinfeld
epicbirthdayfunny
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. by Jerry Seinfeld

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Jerry Seinfeld
hilariouslyingpeople
Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success. by Jerry Seinfeld

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Jerry Seinfeld
not-giving-upfailuresuccess
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? by Jerry Seinfeld

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld
hilariousinspirationalfunny
Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you have... by Jerry Seinfeld

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

Jerry Seinfeld
carfunnytravel

Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"

Jerry Seinfeld
coffeecouplemoving
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want... by Jerry Seinfeld

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Jerry Seinfeld
irsmafiafunny
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason. by Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Jerry Seinfeld
sarcasticlifetravel
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. by Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Jerry Seinfeld
familyfunnychildren
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't ha... by Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Jerry Seinfeld
laughterwittyfunny

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Jerry Seinfeld
riprootshair

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

Jerry Seinfeld
responsiblewantwitty
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. by Jerry Seinfeld

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Jerry Seinfeld
be-kindhumorfunny

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

Jerry Seinfeld
dogfriendshipfunny

Some of the events in the Olympics don't make sense to me. I don't understand the connection to any reality... Like in the Winter Olympics they have that biathlon that combines cross-country skiing with shooting a gun. How many alpine snipers are into this? Ski, shoot a gun... ski, bang, bang, bang... It's like combining swimming and strangling a guy. Why don't we have that? That makes absolutely as much sense to me. Just put people in the pool at the end of each lane for the swimmers.

Jerry Seinfeld
winterfunnycountry

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

Jerry Seinfeld
housebookpeople

Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?

Jerry Seinfeld
eyedoganimal

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Jerry Seinfeld
musichumorousfunny

What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store and the salesmen says, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.'

Jerry Seinfeld
hurtmenthinking

Kids don't say, "Wait." They say, "Wait up, hey wait up!" Because when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Hold up. Shut up! Mum, I'll clean up. Let me stay up!" Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here! Sit down. Put... that... down."

Jerry Seinfeld
waitingoppositeskids