If I have to be a monotheist, y'know pick one, I'm picking vodka, it goes well with everything, all occasions. Doug Stanhope More Quotes by Doug Stanhope More Quotes From Doug Stanhope What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him. Doug Stanhope elephants jobs men If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery. Doug Stanhope members drug government Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable. Doug Stanhope miserable comedy people "This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth. Doug Stanhope tadpoles dying mouths Coward is the most misused word in our society. Doug Stanhope misused-words coward society When I used to drive on the road from L. A., one time in Arizona we went off-road to see what weird little towns are around. Loved Bisbee. Doug Stanhope arizona towns littles The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about. Doug Stanhope supposed-to-be [Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools. Doug Stanhope actors tools might If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young. Doug Stanhope died dies young I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better. Doug Stanhope drug lasts drinking You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't? Doug Stanhope hate children people Nothing against comedy clubs, they work. But when you're sitting with a tablecloth and a candle and an appetizer menu, three-drink minimum, it can feel more like a dinner theater than a live experience. Doug Stanhope clubs three sitting I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic. Doug Stanhope humor trying funny Mutations are exciting, there aren't nearly enough of them. Doug Stanhope mutation enough exciting In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points. Doug Stanhope dozen comedy years The more business gets involved, the less fun it is. Doug Stanhope involved get-involved fun Did you ever try to sleep sober? Doug Stanhope sober sleep trying People hate people just cause they want someone different to hate. Doug Stanhope different hate people I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt. Doug Stanhope drunk self fall I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am. Doug Stanhope wonder people thinking
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