If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock." Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too. Mitch Hedberg humor integrity funny 2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. Mitch Hedberg humor stupid funny I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.' Mitch Hedberg being-yourself thanksgiving fun I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito. Mitch Hedberg girlfriend humor funny I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential. Mitch Hedberg humor funny fall Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? Mitch Hedberg clouds Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. Mitch Hedberg degrees humor funny Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!" Mitch Hedberg humor play funny I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom. Mitch Hedberg zero humor funny I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows? Mitch Hedberg humor forever funny I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. Mitch Hedberg clever witty funny I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." Mitch Hedberg salt humor funny A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah." Mitch Hedberg humor men funny I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. Mitch Hedberg good-morning humor funny If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb! Mitch Hedberg humor light funny I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!" Mitch Hedberg cutting humor funny My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.' Mitch Hedberg humor food funny I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same. Mitch Hedberg humor animal funny A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. Mitch Hedberg stockings ultimate feet We don't have to fix anything. Mitch Hedberg
