If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death. Eddie Izzard More Quotes by Eddie Izzard More Quotes From Eddie Izzard If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan. Eddie Izzard if-there-is-a-god plans ifs If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid. Eddie Izzard acid elephants funny Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun). Eddie Izzard gun humorous funny Honey bees are amazing creatures. I mean, think about it, do earwigs make chutney? Eddie Izzard honey mean thinking Horseshoes are lucky. Horses have four bits of lucky nailed to their feet. They should be the luckiest animals in the world. They should rule the country. They should win all their horse races, at least. 'In the fifth race today, every single horse was first equal...one horse threw a shoe came in third...the duck was ninth...and five ran.' Eddie Izzard horse animal country They’re not women’s clothes. They’re my clothes. I bought them. Eddie Izzard clothes I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive. Eddie Izzard just-believe believe people If you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel. Eddie Izzard creative play feels I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from. Eddie Izzard sarcasm sarcastic funny You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words ... have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going ... [mimes obeying all commands] "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!" "Oh, I'm sorry!" Eddie Izzard dog sorry lying MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic. Eddie Izzard ironic police tests The Death Star is just full of British actors opening doors and going,Oh... I... oh... What is it Lieutenant Sebastian? It's just the Rebels, sir... they're here. My God, man! Do they want tea? No, I think they're after something a bit more than that, sir. I don't know what it is, but they've brought a flag. Damn, that's dash cunning of them. Eddie Izzard stars men thinking Because we all know one of the main factors of war is the element of surprise. And what could be more surprising than the First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing. Eddie Izzard elements wings war What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in? Eddie Izzard cat doors firsts Someone's killed 100,000 people. We're almost going, "Well done! You killed 100,000 people? You must get up very early in the morning! I can't even get down the gym. Your diary must look odd: 'Get up in the morning, death, death, death, death, death, death, death - lunch - death, death, death - afternoon tea - death, death, death - quick shower ...' " Eddie Izzard lunch morning funny Cats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal. Eddie Izzard scams going-away cat I'm into humanity. I don't believe in God, but I believe in human beings. Eddie Izzard humans humanity believe I wear whatever I want whenever I want. I don't call it drag; I don't even call it cross-dressing. It's just wearing a dress. Eddie Izzard crosses dresses want I want to be a taxidermist! I wanna fill animals with sand. I wanna get more sand into an animal than anybody has ever bloody got in one. I wanna fill a rat with the entire Gobi Desert, so it’s really quite tight. Eddie Izzard desert want animal I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible. Eddie Izzard kick-ass giving people
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