Craig Ferguson: In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimousl...

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

Craig Ferguson

bigger reading book

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

Craig Ferguson

divorce knowing fear

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.

Craig Ferguson

care hypocrisy parent

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

Craig Ferguson

addiction wine christmas

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.

Craig Ferguson

humor attention funny

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

Craig Ferguson

humor funny people

Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.

Craig Ferguson

actors acting long

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

Craig Ferguson

tequila alcohol beer

In some countries Women's Day is a national holiday and men give women flowers. In America Women's Day falls on another holiday, Mardi Gras, where men give women beads in the respectful and post-feminist desire to see their naked boobies.

Craig Ferguson

flower country fall

There is a scene in the movie where Astrid and Hiccup fly on Toothless's back toward the island of Berk. The animation is intensely real, from the waves on the sea to wisps of wind blowing in the characters' hair. The feeling I get watching that scene is why I fly - just for that feeling.

Craig Ferguson

real islands character

Here's a tip for all you aspiring young comics: Don't beat up the customers. It is very difficult to get laughs from an audience when you've actually drawn blood from one of their number. It kills the mood.

Craig Ferguson

numbers laughing blood

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

Craig Ferguson

humor funny thinking

For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.

Craig Ferguson

powerful should-have joy

I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn't poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.

Craig Ferguson

writing attitude teacher

A new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.

Craig Ferguson

dressing-up halloween adults

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

Craig Ferguson

humor night funny

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

Craig Ferguson

dance football funny

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

Craig Ferguson

thanksgiving football funny

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

Craig Ferguson

humor funny thinking

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

Craig Ferguson

humor fear funny

In Washington, the U.S. House passed a bill unanimously. Every single member of both parties voted for it. What was it? To deny Social Security benefits to Nazis. So from now on, no SS for the SS.