It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move... by Erma Bombeck

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

Erma Bombeck

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One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until... by Erma Bombeck

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

wife husband different

He opened the jar of pickles when no one else could. He was the only one in the house who wasn't afraid to go into the basement by himself. He cut himself shaving, but no one kissed it or got excited about it. It was understood when it rained, he got the car and brought it around to the door. When anyone was sick, he went out to get the prescription filled. He took lots of pictures... but he was never in them.

cutting daughter father

I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: 'Checkout Time is 18 years.'

views time children

. . . but mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute - look at it and really see it - live it - and never give it back.

minutes giving looks

People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

husband couple funny

Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born.

mother giving children

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine. by Erma Bombeck

It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.

marriage wonderful funny

I didn't fear old age. I was just becoming increasingly aware of the fact that the only people who said old age was beautiful were usually twenty-three years old.

beautiful people years

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick. by Erma Bombeck

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

written sick tombstone

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

wedding husband funny

Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!

dessert-first night thinking

We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.

fighting taken memorable

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lon... by Erma Bombeck

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

lonely dream inspirational

Never order food in excess of your body weight. by Erma Bombeck

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

body-weight badass order

Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love - why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.

funny-valentines-day real love-you

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you. by Erma Bombeck

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

lazy literature ifs

Family life got better and we got our car back - as soon as we put 'I love Mom' on the license plate.

family mom funny

When humor goes, there goes civilization. by Erma Bombeck

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

laughter humor happiness

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.

country travel fall

Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.

mother memorable men