My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Steven Wright hilarioushumorousfunny A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it' Steven Wright wheelscarfeet If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell Steven Wright energyhomeheaven Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish. Steven Wright humorfunnyyears Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream. Steven Wright ice-creamsacrificeyears I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car. Steven Wright friendshumorfunny I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.' Steven Wright humordoorsfunny I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding. Steven Wright humorfunnythinking I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote". Steven Wright humorwishfunny I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five. Steven Wright inspirationallifethinking Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right. Steven Wright jokesgivingideas I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific. Steven Wright humornaturefunny I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke. Steven Wright arrestedkaraokelips If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer? Steven Wright humorusefunny I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it. Steven Wright camerasphotographyneeds I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head. Steven Wright laid-backguylooks Hermits have no peer pressure. Steven Wright solitudehumorfunny I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone. Steven Wright humorlightfunny If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Steven Wright humorfunnyfall If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them Steven Wright touristshumorfunny
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