My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don't eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard. Billy Connolly More Quotes by Billy Connolly More Quotes From Billy Connolly I used to be a folk singer, but I was... dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog. Billy Connolly fogsingersvoice And then there was my mate who'd just been fitted with a brand new hearing aid. "It's the best in the world", he said. "What type is it?", I asked and he said "ten past twelve". Billy Connolly humorfunnypast For me, it's about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten. Billy Connolly winningdesireanimal Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen. Billy Connolly stolenexpensivelooks I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed. Billy Connolly armssingingpeople I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days. Billy Connolly humormorningfunny The world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don't care what you think. Billy Connolly swingspeoplethinking Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's on the outside of your ass? Billy Connolly asteroidsasshemisphere [To audience members who were arriving late] You haven't missed a thing, I was just killing time 'til you got here. Billy Connolly time-to-killarrivingkilling I've never done a comedy club in my life. It's weird because I don't have the same background as most comics. I don't have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes. Billy Connolly eightclubsdone Never trust people who've only got one book. Billy Connolly never-trustbookpeople Acting is a different discipline. On stage I'm free to say what I please. But the change is very good for ya. Billy Connolly disciplinedifferentacting The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you're a zombie. And you're talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead. Billy Connolly lunchcoffeetalking All anyone really needs to know about barbed wire is that it can tear the arse out of your trousers, give a cow a good fright, entangle a Yorkshire terrier for life, and is nasty stuff made by greedy men. Billy Connolly humormenfunny ,000 people in Hampden Park. Of course they're all Scottish. Because no one else goes there. The English have an unwritten rule: they only go to places they might get back from. Billy Connolly footballsoccerpeople I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better. Billy Connolly britaineuropethinking Oh aye...my Father would thrash me every now and then. He'd talk while he did it too! He'd hit me and shout, 'Have ye had enough?' Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? 'Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???' Billy Connolly had-enoughballsfather Where do you go when you die? The same place you were before you were born; nowhere! It's over! Billy Connolly borndies American sex shops are the most bizarre. They sell these inflatable dolls, but they also sell just the head -- supposedly for people to drive along the highway with. Billy Connolly dollssexpeople It's my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like. Billy Connolly reservesmind
