My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away. Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes From Rodney Dangerfield My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. Rodney Dangerfield crazybeautyfunny You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth. Rodney Dangerfield uglysticksmouths When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. Rodney Dangerfield pregnancyfunnymoving My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves. Rodney Dangerfield dental-flosskitchenwife I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. Rodney Dangerfield morningfunnysex I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield hatehumorousfunny Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck." Rodney Dangerfield smartcleverfunny A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower. Rodney Dangerfield guywishmen I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar. Rodney Dangerfield funny-relationshipwinemen A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home. Rodney Dangerfield girlhomefunny Steak and sex, my favorite pair. I get them both very rare. Rodney Dangerfield pairsmy-favoritesex My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. Rodney Dangerfield doctorsmirrorsdrinking When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiment. Rodney Dangerfield cancermenkids I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Rodney Dangerfield fathers-daydadhappy Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance. Rodney Dangerfield humorsuicidefunny I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"! Rodney Dangerfield wifehumorfunny It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald. Rodney Dangerfield gray-hairgrayhair You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach. Rodney Dangerfield menbeachbelieve I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price. Rodney Dangerfield sexyhumorfunny I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you Rodney Dangerfield scaleswifelovers
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