My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. Steven Wright More Quotes by Steven Wright More Quotes From Steven Wright I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him. Steven Wright paranoidnot-suredog Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Steven Wright angersarcasticdepression When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. Steven Wright humortimefunny The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. Steven Wright severityhumorfunny Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Steven Wright gluehumorfunny If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Steven Wright cleversuccessfunny Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow. Steven Wright procrastinationhumorfunny In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence. Steven Wright humorfunnyschool How come abbreviated is such a long word? Steven Wright humorfunnylong Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? Steven Wright psychicshumorfunny I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. Steven Wright funny-inspirationaldreamlove My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments. Steven Wright timecutefunny I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Steven Wright coffeefoodfunny How do you get off a non-stop flight? Steven Wright non-stopflight No one is listening until you make a mistake. Steven Wright humormistakefunny If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? Steven Wright cowboyhumorfunny Half the people you know are below average. Steven Wright humoraveragefunny Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop? Steven Wright pawn-shopspawnschess I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. Steven Wright girlfriendhumorfunny Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? Steven Wright humorfunnypeople
