My grandfather had a wonderful funeral... On the buffet table there was a replica of the deceased in potato salad. Woody Allen More Quotes by Woody Allen More Quotes From Woody Allen Eighty percent of success is showing up. Woody Allen inspiring positive inspirational If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic. Woody Allen religious god funny Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. Woody Allen beautiful love funny My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one Woody Allen depressing mother time I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm. Woody Allen incompetence fathers-day enthusiasm There is something about big cities that turns me on, and for whatever mysterious reason, places like New York and Paris inspire me. I think it's because cities represent civilization, and as crime-ridden and broken down as some of them are, it's still better than skipping through a meadow. Woody Allen new-york civilization thinking A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings. Woody Allen no-respect feelings men In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm. Woody Allen backwards next want Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully. Woody Allen teeth maturity age My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker. Woody Allen humor night funny All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it. Woody Allen funny-inspirational witty inspiring Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem. Woody Allen confidence witty funny Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college. Woody Allen humorous witty cute Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down. Woody Allen unhappy suffering movie-love My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers. Woody Allen witty teacher funny I know what I think but I don't know how to put it into words. Maybe I could get a little bit drunk and dance it for you. Woody Allen drunk littles thinking How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways? Woody Allen immature yeah way Is Knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know? Woody Allen ifs knows Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing. Woody Allen knows worry Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue. Woody Allen humorous god funny
