My one regret in life is that I'm not someone else. Woody Allen More Quotes by Woody Allen More Quotes From Woody Allen What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. Woody Allen wittyinspirationalfunny It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies. Woody Allen sarcasmsarcasticyears I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland. Woody Allen conquerhumorouswitty A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone. Woody Allen stockbrokersgonepeople I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen inspirationallifefunny Eternity is really long, especially near the end. Woody Allen hilariousfunnylong Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun. Woody Allen mindfunphilosophy Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner's mansion. Woody Allen humorbeautyfunny Geez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. Woody Allen enjoy-it-while-it-lastsshouldanswers [The universe is] haphazard, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent. Woody Allen haphazardviolentuniverse To me nature is... spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating... It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it. Woody Allen big-fishlittlesanimal To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer. Woody Allen sufferinglove-ismovie-love I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back. Woody Allen teamsoftballmorning The only love that lasts is unrequited love. Woody Allen unrequitedlastslove Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. Woody Allen humorousnamesfunny There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important. Woody Allen importanttwosex How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not "the thing with feathers." The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich. Woody Allen zurichspecialistsnephew Paranoia is knowing all the facts. Woody Allen paranoiaknowingfacts Tradition is the illusion of permanance. Woody Allen illusiontradition Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals. Woody Allen educationwritingscience
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