My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too! Mitch Hedberg humor funny hands I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me. Mitch Hedberg hate humor funny When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened. Mitch Hedberg humor funny mean I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be sorry, it's 3 am, and you're a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna walk in at 10 am and say "I walked by here at 3 and you were closed - somebody owes me an apology!" Mitch Hedberg humor sorry funny I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves. Mitch Hedberg ghost believe people Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. Mitch Hedberg meat eye people I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house. Mitch Hedberg humor funny thinking If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way. Mitch Hedberg dollars time way Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned! Mitch Hedberg hell meetings yeah People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something. Mitch Hedberg humor funny thinking I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!" Mitch Hedberg humor funny commitment I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all. Mitch Hedberg humor trying funny I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. Mitch Hedberg motivational inspirational funny I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Mitch Hedberg block running funny As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people. Mitch Hedberg humor funny people Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break. Mitch Hedberg wells break I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win." Mitch Hedberg humor cute funny I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen. Mitch Hedberg humor opportunity funny I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist. Mitch Hedberg humor pyramids funny If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work. Mitch Hedberg humor funny kids
