My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Mitch Hedberg

Categorized in : Funny Doe Humor

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

real hero funny

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

humor reading funny

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it's cheddar. It's the only cheese you can bite and miss. "Hey Mitch - does that sandwich have cheese on it?" "Every now and then!"

humor funny thinking

Why are there no "during" pictures? by Mitch Hedberg

Why are there no "during" pictures?

humor funny

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate. by Mitch Hedberg

I can read minds, but I'm illiterate.

humor mind funny

You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, "DuFresnes, party of two." They say again, "DuFresnes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll just go to the next name, "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! And they're hungry! That's a double whammy! "Bush, search party of three!" You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!

party humor funny

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came o... by Mitch Hedberg

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

bed kings knows

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

humor funny kids

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more i... by Mitch Hedberg

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

humor hair funny

Dogs are forever in the push up postion. by Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

humor dog funny

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews'

glasses humor funny

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

humor running funny

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

humor home funny

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than bef... by Mitch Hedberg

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

humor play funny

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."

humor winning funny

I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.

humor winning funny

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number.... by Mitch Hedberg

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

girl humor funny

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

humor military funny

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

drunk humor funny

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.

humor philosophy funny