My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round. Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes From Rodney Dangerfield I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again. Rodney Dangerfield ifs I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. Rodney Dangerfield partydrinkingbeer He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place. Rodney Dangerfield lastslaughingfirsts Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes. Rodney Dangerfield humorfunnykids I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. Rodney Dangerfield comedypetpeople I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield wittyfunnysex When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion. Rodney Dangerfield opinionwifebed I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap. Rodney Dangerfield familywittyfunny I went to a massage parlor, it was self service. Rodney Dangerfield humorselffunny I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens. Rodney Dangerfield stupidfunnyfather My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. Rodney Dangerfield cousinlondongay I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. Rodney Dangerfield respectromancerunning With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car. Rodney Dangerfield respecthomemen I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'. Rodney Dangerfield parentbeachchildren I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. Rodney Dangerfield humormotherfunny I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it. Rodney Dangerfield preventionrespectsuicide When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark. Rodney Dangerfield respectmotherrunning Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died. Rodney Dangerfield getting-oldernightmean One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control. Rodney Dangerfield birth-controlboysyears I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning. Rodney Dangerfield humorfunnywindow
