No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready. Phyllis Diller More Quotes by Phyllis Diller More Quotes From Phyllis Diller Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. Phyllis Diller funny-inspirationalmomwitty The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you. Phyllis Diller realgolfretirement I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn't show the dirt. Phyllis Diller cakechocolatefood To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won't have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do. Phyllis Diller torchesapplesblow I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along - but it was easy. He was the only one that came along. Phyllis Diller datingeasy I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know. Phyllis Diller cleaninguseyears You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors! Phyllis Diller humorhumilityfunny You've got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It's when somebody steps on the bride's train, or belches during the ceremony that you've got comedy! Phyllis Diller comedystepsbeautiful Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, "Attack!" And he has one. All he does is piddle. He's nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks. Phyllis Diller shepherdsdogfunny A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing. Phyllis Diller lastsnightsex The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. Phyllis Diller humorouswittyfunny Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls. Phyllis Diller stovesdogfunny Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down. Phyllis Diller falling-in-lovealcoholdrinking Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice. Phyllis Diller do-it-yourselfpracticelife-is Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have. Phyllis Diller nextimportantgold I don't know how you feel about old age... but in my case I didn't even see it coming. It hit me from the rear. Phyllis Diller aginghow-you-feelage If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, 'Who could have done this? We have no enemies!' Phyllis Diller housedoorsenemy There's such a buildup of crud in my oven, there's only room to bake a single cupcake. Phyllis Diller cupcakesinspirationalrooms I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan. Phyllis Diller i-will-never-give-upgiving-upyears My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee. Phyllis Diller painmotherinspirational
