Nothing is more American than stuffing your face with loaded potato skins while drinking loaded mudslides. Chelsea Handler More Quotes by Chelsea Handler More Quotes From Chelsea Handler Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba. Chelsea Handler good-lucktodaylaughing Christina Aguilera finally announced her pregnancy. Thanks for waiting until your third trimester to get the word out—why not just wait until you’re crowning? Chelsea Handler why-notwaitingpregnancy A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads. Chelsea Handler degreescatholicpeople I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak. Chelsea Handler confusionspeakfirsts Then they have the audacity to go shopping and pick out their own gifts. I want to know who the first person was who said this was okay. After spending all that money on a bachelorette weekend, a shower, and often a flight across the country, they expect you to go to Williams Sonoma or Pottery Barn and do research? Then they send you a thank-you note applauding you for such a thoughtful gift. They're the one who picked it out! Chelsea Handler thoughtfulweekendcountry ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern. Chelsea Handler patternsbecominggirlfriend My father has a high opinion of his opinion Chelsea Handler humorfunnyfather Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look 'more together. Chelsea Handler girlhumorfunny We got to his place and it looked a lot like his personality. Just a bunch of space filler, nothing to really wow you. It looked like he had bought a lot of stuff from IKEA and then decided to refinish it at home. Everything was neat and tidy, but you wouldn't want any of it for yourself. Chelsea Handler ikeaneat-and-tidyhome Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' -- always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own. Chelsea Handler partyhumorfunny It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus. Chelsea Handler oilcartwo Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men. Chelsea Handler humormenfunny I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends. Chelsea Handler datinghumorfunny Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home. Chelsea Handler motherhomefunny At some point during almost every romantic comedy, the female lead suddenly trips and falls, stumbling helplessly over something ridiculous like a leaf, and then some Matthew McConaughey type either whips around the corner just in the nick of time to save her or is clumsily pulled down along with her. That event predictably leads to the magical moment of their first kiss. Please. I fall ALL the time. You know who comes and gets me? The bouncer. Chelsea Handler kissinglovefall Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family. Chelsea Handler womenlove-youfunny He laid into me with the same gusto as a right-wing political pundit on the O'Reilly Factor defending President's Bush right to vacation six days out of the week. Chelsea Handler vacationhumorfunny Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off. Chelsea Handler eighthumorfunny I wanted to kick Bruce in the taint. No one is just one thing. Many things contribute to the whole of a person, and just because vodka accounts for 50 percent of my body weight, that doesn't mean I walk around with a vodka drip, forcing every plant, person, or animal to imbibe. I've always had a disliking for animal trainers, and this guy cemented my theory that people who chaperone animals for a living have never had a girl sit on their face. Chelsea Handler girlanimalmean Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either. Chelsea Handler humorsleepfunny
