Now, if you saw my monologue Monday, you know that I was a little upset at Donald Trump forinsulting a friend of mine, so at the end of that monologue I had a few choice insults for the president in return. I don’t regret that. He, I believe, can take care of himself. I have jokes; he has the launch codes. So, it’s a fair fight. So while I would do it again, I would change a few words that were cruder than they needed to be.

Stephen Colbert

Categorized in : Entertainment

Corporations have free speech, but they can't speak like you and me. They don't have mouths or hands.

Stephen Colbert

speech mouths hands

Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.

Stephen Colbert

nerd world ideas

The liberal Gluten-free agenda is turning our dogs lesbian.

Stephen Colbert

gluten agendas dog

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

Stephen Colbert

hell gay funny

Try to love others and serve others and hopefully find those who love and serve you in return.

Stephen Colbert

hopefully return trying

I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.

Stephen Colbert

fans doe facts

To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.

Stephen Colbert

hero dream funny

Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done, except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all.

Stephen Colbert

epic jobs life

We have no desire to make anybody look like a blithering idiot, but we do love it when they do.

Stephen Colbert

idiot desire looks

Class is a way of looking at society that divides people into different categories based on how much money they're willing to make.

Stephen Colbert

different class people

Vodka eyeballing sounds great, but it's a

Stephen Colbert

slippery-slope scotch next

Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us.

Stephen Colbert

optimistic hurt self

Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

Stephen Colbert

perception mean country

Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about comedy? You can't laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.

Stephen Colbert

comedy humor laughing

To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.

Stephen Colbert

killers mind jesus

it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

Stephen Colbert

where-you-are home school

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

Stephen Colbert

heart men way

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.

Stephen Colbert

business change monday

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

Stephen Colbert

space moon funny

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

Stephen Colbert

baby father children