Once Fang took pep pills and they worked - the only time he ever ran to bed. Phyllis Diller More Quotes by Phyllis Diller More Quotes From Phyllis Diller ... if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don't let them put the year. Phyllis Diller dust writing children Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. Phyllis Diller xmas christmas past Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce. Phyllis Diller divorce father children Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing. Phyllis Diller humor funny sex My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life. Phyllis Diller my-own real laughing Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea. Phyllis Diller bedroom happenings sea We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought. Phyllis Diller californians mud fire We have far too many kids. At one time in the playpen there was standing-room only. It looked like a bus stop for midgets. It used to get so damp in there, we'd have a rainbow above it. Phyllis Diller baby funny children A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. Phyllis Diller anniversary mistake inspirational When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl. Phyllis Diller friday girl beautiful Before you get married you should meet your fiance's parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer. Phyllis Diller married parent enough It's true Fang and I fight, but we've never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months. Phyllis Diller fighting inspirational years I was the world's ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads... I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said 'Grab the blade! Phyllis Diller leaving mother baby Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss. Phyllis Diller hug kissing ends I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to. Phyllis Diller lines mother long My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide. Phyllis Diller husband suicide kids Isn't my fur stole pitiful? How unsuccessful can a girl look? People think I'm wearing anchovies. The worst of it is, I trapped these under my own sink. Phyllis Diller girl people thinking A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him. Phyllis Diller laughing men looks My doctor is a family physician. He treats my family and I support his. Phyllis Diller physicians doctors support When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren. Phyllis Diller humor beach funny
