ONE OF MY girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern. Chelsea Handler More Quotes by Chelsea Handler More Quotes From Chelsea Handler That's what my perfume would smell like, margarita and vodka. Chelsea Handler vodka smell alcohol I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people. Chelsea Handler real dog funny There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers. Chelsea Handler party drinking two While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach. Chelsea Handler recovery humor funny Have you ever experienced a pain so sharp in your heart that it's all you can do to take a breath? It's a pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy; you wouldn't want to pass it on to anyone else for fear he or she might not be able to bear it. It's the pain of being betrayed by a person with whom you've fallen in love. It's not as serious as death, but it feels a whole lot like it, and as I've come to learn, pain is pain any way you slice it. Chelsea Handler pain heart funny Let's all help each other be a little bit better at being human beings. Chelsea Handler being-human helping littles Paris Hilton has launched a new champagne in a can called Rich Prosecco. For the ad campaign Paris posed wearing nothing but gold paint. That’s a unique way to cover up herpes. Chelsea Handler paris unique gold It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. Chelsea Handler humor opposites funny If you judge a person by the company they keep, then I'm retarded. Chelsea Handler retarded judgment judging A federal grand jury is investigating allegations that David Copperfield raped, assaulted and threatened a woman he took to his private island in the Bahamas in July. What happened to the good old days when a guy would just saw you in half? Chelsea Handler july guy islands First of all, i'm not an actor - I'm an asshole. Chelsea Handler humor funny firsts I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends. Chelsea Handler tact no-friends want You get photographed together when there's 25 people with you and people assume that you're having sex, which is definitely not the case. Chelsea Handler together sex people It’s true what they say about patience being a virtue; it just happens to be a virtue that I choose not to pursue. Chelsea Handler pursue virtue happens George Clooney and Fabio apparently got into a scuffle at a restaurant in Los Angeles over the weekend. George thought the women with Fabio were taking pictures of him. How embarrassed is George Clooney to be in a fight with Fabio? Who is he going to call out next, Lorenzo Lamas? Chelsea Handler weekend next fighting I hate that people assume guys are the only ones to want sex. Girls want sex, too, and that shouldn't be a problem. Chelsea Handler girl hate sex I think everyone's afraid of public speaking. There have been times where I've come out of my own show and been like, 'Oh, God, what am I doing?' . . . You have to remind yourself that 'OK, I'm kind of a badass. I can handle it.' Chelsea Handler badass doing-you thinking The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels. Chelsea Handler albums numbers believe I wish it was that easy to get turned on for me - at this point, I need a bottle of Belevere and a fighterjet. Chelsea Handler humor wish funny I think the people I talk about are generally so stupid that they don't even know I'm saying bad things about them. I've run into Paris Hilton and she's like, Oh, I love your show. And I'm like, You can't love my show if you can hear. Chelsea Handler stupid love-you running
