Rich people (in Australia) have swimming pools in their gardens b... by George Mikes

Rich people (in Australia) have swimming pools in their gardens but, at least, they do swim in them.

George Mikes

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The man who is not afraid of danger is not a hero, but a psychopa... by George Mikes

The man who is not afraid of danger is not a hero, but a psychopath.

he-man hero men

THE British are brave people. They can face anything, except real... by George Mikes

THE British are brave people. They can face anything, except reality.

brave reality people

You can keep a dog: but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals.

cat dog animal

The world still consists of two clearly divided groups: the English and the foreigners. One group consists of less than 50 million people; the other of 3,950 million. The latter group does not really count.

groups two people

Many Continentals think life is a game; the English think cricket... by George Mikes

Many Continentals think life is a game; the English think cricket is a game.

cricket-match sports thinking

A dog will flatter you but you have to flatter the cat. by George Mikes

A dog will flatter you but you have to flatter the cat.

cat dog

Television is of great educational value. It teaches you while still young how to (a) kill, (b) rob, (c) embezzle, (d) shoot, (e) poison, and, generally speaking, (f) how to grow up into a Wild West outlaw or gangster by the time you leave school.

growing-up educational funny

The British suffer from a most unfortunate superiority complex - unjustified even under Victoria and most certainly hopelessly out-of-date today.

humorous suffering funny

In England only uneducated people show off their knowledge; nobody quotes Latin or Greek authors in the course of conversation, unless he has never read them.

greek latin people

Travel' is the name of a modern disease which became rampant in themid-fifties and is still spreading. The disease - its scientific name is travelitis furiosus - is carried by a germ called prosperity.

disease names travel

You must not refuse any additional cups of tea under the following circumstances: if it is hot; if it is cold; if you are tired; if anybody thinks that you might be tired; if you are nervous; if you are gay; before you go out; if you are out; if you have just returned home; if you feel like it; if you do not feel like it; if you have had no tea for some time; if you have just had a cup.

tired gay home

Australia objects to the mini-skirt not on moral but on economic grounds. Australians are no prudes and the lovely, healthy, sporty Australian girls have no reason to hide their knees and thighs. However, the mini-skirt is disastrous for the wool-trade.

girl humor funny

An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one... by George Mikes

An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.

queues englishmen form

It was decided almost two hundred years ago that English should be the language spoken in the United States. It is not known, however, why this decision has not been carried out.

humorous funny america

I asked many friends if Australian anti-intellectualism was still a living force and they all told me it was. If you are above average intelligence, hide this embarrassing fact.

humor average funny

On the Continent there is one topic which should be avoided-the weather; in England, if you do not repeat the phrase "Lovely day, isn't it?" at least two hundred times a day, you are considered a bit dull.

lovely weather two

When people say England, they sometimes mean Great Britain, sometimes the United Kingdom, sometimes the British Isles, - but never England.

kingdoms mean people

It is often said that the Japanese are extremely clean at home, or inside any house or office, but dirty and untidy outside. 'Go and look at a railway station,' I was told, 'and you'll be horrified.' I went and was horrified; horrified by the cleanliness of the place.

humorous funny dirty

On the Continent people have good food; in England people have go... by George Mikes

On the Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners.

cooking food people

I have often thought that the aim of port is to give you a good and durable hangover, so that during the next day you should be reminded of the splendid occasion the night before.

hangover wine night