Santa Fe is fun to visit, but property there will cost you an arm and a dillo. Emo Philips More Quotes by Emo Philips More Quotes From Emo Philips I love my family. I came home the other days. My brother's passed-out on the couch, holding an empty bottle of sleeping pills. So I called the paramedics, and they pumped his stomach, and I think he's learned his lesson: you know, never to take my last two sleeping pills. Emo Philips family brother home I thought I was raptured up into the air today; turns out, it was just my gas oven exploding. Emo Philips ovens air today If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don't have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way. Emo Philips blow long country My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. Emo Philips kickboxing humor witty I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats. Emo Philips amusement couple jobs Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen. Emo Philips break lord law I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out. Emo Philips my-best-friend wife bed My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don't even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment. Emo Philips girlfriend crazy needs My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn't be home until a certain hour. Emo Philips hours parent home Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, Why limit yourselves? Emo Philips moved limits school New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him. Emo Philips humor new-york funny When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster. Emo Philips emo dad funny The subconscious is like having a laboratory assistant who pretends to love you and help you, but after you go home to go to sleep it goes back into the lab and starts fumbling with the data and destroying it. It's a very tricky thing. People think our minds are us, but that's not true at all. The mind is not us. Emo Philips love-you home sleep I think of people as members of an audience. But an audience acts independently of every individual. It's an organism on its own. I focus on that living hydra in the dark. Emo Philips dark people thinking I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. Emo Philips humor beer funny I think of my body as a temple. Or at least a relatively well-managed Presbyterian youth center. Emo Philips temples body thinking I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them. Emo Philips lucky trying night If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza. Emo Philips just-one persons laughing I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back. Emo Philips mom cute baby Ambiguity — the Devil's volleyball. Emo Philips volleyball humor funny
