So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me w... by Tim Vine

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

Tim Vine

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Categorized in : Ducks Red Chinese

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

humor house funny

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor. by Tim Vine

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

simile metaphor knows

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

confidence silly laughing

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you wha... by Tim Vine

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

once-in-a-lifetime holiday lifetime

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." H... by Tim Vine

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

doctors humor funny

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

humor home funny

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

childhood silly people

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums. by Tim Vine

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

humor funny blood

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

humor giving funny

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

stars humor funny

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

party italian islands

One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.

dad years son

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

paris humor funny

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

eggs humor funny

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

humor names funny

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

teenager wall house

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

vines humor funny

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? Th... by Tim Vine

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

humor funny people

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

ice humor funny

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus. by Tim Vine

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

bonus acting