Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get to stop working in the middle of your life just because your prostate hurts? That’s desertion. Stephen Colbert More Quotes by Stephen Colbert More Quotes From Stephen Colbert Can accidentally eating halal food make you Muslim? Yes, the same way drinking a cosmo can make you gay. Stephen Colbert gay drinking way Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth. Stephen Colbert wine mouths men Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family! Stephen Colbert hungry leader america It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias. Stephen Colbert well-known reality facts Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once. Stephen Colbert suicide blow men I can't be gay! I'm a happily married conservative, just like Ted Haggard and Larry Craig. Stephen Colbert married conservative gay Leaving religious texts open too interpretation is the downfall of religion itself. If it is truly the word of God then there is no room for interpretation; you either take all of it or none. There is no selective belief Stephen Colbert leaving religious rooms I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake. Stephen Colbert issues lakes believe If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. Stephen Colbert 4th-of-july political father They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am. Stephen Colbert telling-the-truth children people After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States. I am doing it! Stephen Colbert office soul president There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED). Stephen Colbert scandal bigs committed And when those bombs went off, there were runners who, after finishing a marathon, kept running for another two miles to the hospital to donate blood. So, here's what I know - these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston, but all they can ever do, is show just how good those people are. Stephen Colbert boston running blood Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts. Stephen Colbert errors business funny Who would have thought that a means of communication limited to 140 characters would ever create misunderstanding? Stephen Colbert communication character mean Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob. Stephen Colbert standards-set girl perfect Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old. Stephen Colbert funny-valentines-day should today Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns. Stephen Colbert gun lovers mistake I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are. Stephen Colbert fans change matter You are about to start the greatest improvisation of all. With no script. No idea what's going to happen, often with people and places you have never seen before. And you are not in control. So say 'yes.' And if you're lucky, you'll find people who will say 'yes' back. Stephen Colbert graduation people ideas
