Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio. Demetri Martin More Quotes by Demetri Martin More Quotes From Demetri Martin I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.' Demetri Martin practice wish house If you stretched the average person's intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot. Demetri Martin scream ends average The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast. Demetri Martin insult-to-injury casts add Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson. Demetri Martin tennis games running I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus. Demetri Martin thesaurus daring bravery Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed. Demetri Martin panic bed struggle If you want to dry hump someone you don't know, just act like they were choking. Demetri Martin choke dry want Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information. Demetri Martin powerful men mean I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, 'Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.' The paper I used said, 'Happy Birthday.' I didn't want to waste it, so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. Demetri Martin christmas funny jesus I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them. Demetri Martin bird people thinking It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you get that discovery. The learning curve is so rich and steep. Demetri Martin curves nice ignorance I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies. Demetri Martin hippie rain way I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. Demetri Martin humor sports funny Most stick people are black. Demetri Martin black sticks people I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled by a mannequin in a store. Demetri Martin fooled stores lonely Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!" Demetri Martin humor funny book I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. Demetri Martin humor flower funny Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. Demetri Martin herpes glitter crafts Brought to you by raising your voice. The next best thing to being right. Demetri Martin best-things next voice I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' Demetri Martin humor writing funny
