That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time. Chelsea Handler More Quotes by Chelsea Handler More Quotes From Chelsea Handler A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim. Chelsea Handler camelsisraeltrying My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for. Chelsea Handler motherjobsfunny Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself. Chelsea Handler laugh-oftenimportantlaughing Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway. Chelsea Handler carehumorfunny I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. Chelsea Handler humorsleepfunny As you get older, then you finally come back around full circle when you don't give a s - anymore and you decide I'm going to just tell the truth to everybody. I don't give a s - if anybody likes me. Chelsea Handler full-circlecirclesgiving You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU Chelsea Handler dog I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter. Chelsea Handler brightershiningpeople I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker. Chelsea Handler humordrinkingfunny Then a homeless man with a dog approached us and put his hand out. This happens to be something that I have a real problem with: homeless people with pets who approach you for food when they have a perfectly delicious dog standing right there? Chelsea Handler realdogfunny You should always speak your mind, and be bold, and be obnoxious, and do whatever you want and don’t let anybody tell you to stop it. Chelsea Handler speak-your-mindshouldwant It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn't need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever introduced themselves by saying, 'I'm a very good friend.' Chelsea Handler good-friendoppositespeople I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second... or the fifth. I'll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order. Chelsea Handler humornightfunny We women have to stick together. Chelsea Handler stickstogether My feeling is, if a dog is that hard up to break free, let it go. It's like a boyfriend who wants to break up. We all know the old adage "If you set someone free, and he never comes back, then he was never yours." I understand the main fear with setting dogs loose is they could get hit by a car, but so could an ex boyfriend. That's just a chance you have to take. Chelsea Handler ex-boyfrienddogfunny I don't like people who have babies and act like they did something that the rest of us can't figure out. Anybody can have one, OK? I could have had three if I had gone through with any of my pregnancies. Chelsea Handler pregnancybabypeople I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around. Chelsea Handler humordrinkingfunny I wasn’t like 'Oh, I'm going to marry 50 Cent...' I mean, seriously. But I did like him. He's very sweet and antithetical to what you'd think of him. Chelsea Handler sweetmeanthinking Angelina Jolie’s older brother James Haven, the one she made out with, has a license plate on his SUV that reads Shiloh. Maybe it’s not that weird. After all, he could be the father. Chelsea Handler suvsbrotherfather If you do talk dirty, make sure that you enunciate because there's nothing more embarrassing than having to repeat yourself. Chelsea Handler embarrassingifsdirty
