The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work. George Carlin More Quotes by George Carlin More Quotes From George Carlin Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals! George Carlin abortioncatholicthinking Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast. George Carlin comedianniceideas Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit. George Carlin cuttingcountryamerica If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it? George Carlin powerfulgodfunny When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend. George Carlin nikephilosophywar One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin sarcasticwittyfunny Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back. George Carlin my-ownusesometimes We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing George Carlin sarcasmthanksgivingsarcastic Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy. George Carlin atheismlawreligion Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free. George Carlin musicsomewhere-elsethinking The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun. George Carlin gunkeysamerica Life is tough, then you die. George Carlin life-is-toughtoughlife-is I had run away from home three times. I had been kicked out of three different schools under different circumstances. I was kicked out of everything that I didn't quit. Kicked out of schools. Kicked out of summer camp, the Boy Scouts, the altar boys, the choir, and something else that I can't think of, that I'm proud of. Anyway, that was my pattern. I just began to invent myself early in life, and went out and did something about it. George Carlin summerrunningschool Grass [marijuana] probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way. George Carlin hurtcleverkids Always do whatever's next. George Carlin inspirationallifefunny The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated. George Carlin pavlovtruthdog In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?" and under my name, it says, "When I grow up, I would like to be either an actor, a radio announcer, an impersonator or a comedian." George Carlin yearbookgrowing-upnames The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time. George Carlin cancerhumorouslong Life is a zero sum game. George Carlin zerostupidgames In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole. George Carlin navymarineholes
