The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day. Doug Stanhope More Quotes by Doug Stanhope More Quotes From Doug Stanhope Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this. Doug Stanhope mindwinninglaughing Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met Doug Stanhope hatepriderace Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house? Doug Stanhope housekidssex If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child. Doug Stanhope languageparentchildren I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape. Doug Stanhope doctorsuniquedepression You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north." Doug Stanhope rebelatheisttwo They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding. Doug Stanhope nursinghomelying I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me. Doug Stanhope intellectmediocrepeople There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life. Doug Stanhope addictionenjoyfunny Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early. Doug Stanhope suicidedepressionfunny Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward. Doug Stanhope baggageheritagemoving I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle. Doug Stanhope pillsmiraclewould-be Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment? Doug Stanhope societygoallong I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet. Doug Stanhope humorfunnypeople One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect. Doug Stanhope paperperfectmean America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box. Doug Stanhope creditgivingamerica There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs. Doug Stanhope humorfunnytwo What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led. Doug Stanhope what-ifleaderdoe Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well. Doug Stanhope accuratevoicereal If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt? Doug Stanhope humorfunnybelieve
