The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. Rita Rudner More Quotes by Rita Rudner More Quotes From Rita Rudner I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' Rita Rudner balletsummerbeach How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go? Rita Rudner cakeeggsfood Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money? Rita Rudner shoppingspecialfeelings I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying. Rita Rudner sickfunlying A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. Rita Rudner humorjobsfunny I never know what to get my father for his birthday. I gave him a hundred dollars and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother. Rita Rudner motherfunnyfather Going out to eat is expensive. I was out at one restaurant and they didn't have prices on the menu. Just faces with different expressions of horror. Rita Rudner going-outdifferentexpression I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. Rita Rudner doctorshumorfunny If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help. Rita Rudner husbandsleepneeds I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. Rita Rudner religiousdogwitty I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go. Rita Rudner panicwantlost My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. Rita Rudner husbandinspirationalsports I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. Rita Rudner heartbrokenbroken-heartbreak-up The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one. Rita Rudner marriagewittylove Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture. Rita Rudner furniturecrymen Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. Rita Rudner cookingmenfunny My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. Rita Rudner fake-peoplehusbandsarcastic If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. Rita Rudner humorjobsfunny We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet. Rita Rudner dogfeetlong Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. Rita Rudner humormenfunny
