They should put expiration dates on clothing so we men will know when they go out of style. Garry Shandling More Quotes by Garry Shandling More Quotes From Garry Shandling I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little bit? Garry Shandling selfishgirlthinking Nice guys finish first. If you don't know that, then you don't know where the finish line is. Garry Shandling guynicepositive My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me. Garry Shandling funny-friendlove-youfriendship I'm very loyal in a relationship. Any relationship. When I go out with my mom, I don't look at other moms and go, "I wonder what her macaroni and cheese tastes like." Garry Shandling loyaltymomlooks I remember learning to drive on my dad's lap. Did you guys ever do that? He'd work the brakes. I'd work the wheel. Then I went to take the driver's test and sat on the examiner's lap. I failed the exam. But he still writes to me. That's the really nice part. Garry Shandling dadnicewriting I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead. Garry Shandling fifteeninspirationalnight After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." Garry Shandling girlhumorfunny Without comedy as a defense mechanism I wouldn't be able to survive. Garry Shandling abledefensesurvival I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell Garry Shandling good-lifemadhumorous It's not the hair on your head that matters. It's the kind of hair you have inside. Garry Shandling kindmatterhair I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over. Garry Shandling homelessdatingtalking When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman. Garry Shandling legssleepfunny Women need to know that not all guys are going to hurt them the way that the guy did before they started dating me. I know guys I wouldn't go out with. Garry Shandling datingguyhurt I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms. Garry Shandling momrelationshiplooks Was the Buddha married? His wife would say, "Are you just going to sit around like that all day?" Garry Shandling marriedmarriagewife I don''t like this reality television, I have to be honest;I think real people should not be on television; It''s for special people like us, people who have trained and studied to appear to be real Garry Shandling special-peoplerealthinking Oysters are supposed to enhance your sexual performance, but they don't work for me. Maybe I put them on too soon. Garry Shandling oystersperformances In the year 2525, that song will be even less popular than when it first came out. Garry Shandling songinspirationalyears I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know. Garry Shandling singlephonespeople I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large. Garry Shandling failureemotionalthinking
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