This was first-degree puppetry. Stephen Colbert More Quotes by Stephen Colbert More Quotes From Stephen Colbert After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria. Stephen Colbert symptomshoursfour I believe all God's creatures have a soul... except bears, bears are Godless killing machines! Stephen Colbert machinessoulbelieve There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion. Stephen Colbert couchesdollarsmcdonalds Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car. Stephen Colbert auntfootballcountry Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So whatever your dream is right now, if you don't achieve it, you haven't failed and you're not some loser-but just as importantly-if you do get your dream, you're not a winner. Stephen Colbert princessdreamgraduation In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards. Stephen Colbert eyebeautifulchildren I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way. Stephen Colbert crushgirlteacher Agnostics are just atheists without balls. Stephen Colbert ballsatheist There once was a man name Barack, Stephen Colbert gaygunmen The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun Stephen Colbert pensgunifs I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart. Stephen Colbert fridayblackchildren If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke. Stephen Colbert dimesbrokeifs Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it. Stephen Colbert buildingreligiousthinking Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'. Stephen Colbert optimistichurtwise The lead singer of Creed says he won’t endorse President Obama. Well that settles it -- Obama will not win the 1998 presidential election. Stephen Colbert sarcasmsarcasticfunny Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? Stephen Colbert yogurtoperahey Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, "The Colbert Report," November 3, 2005 Stephen Colbert ohiotwopeople It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game. Stephen Colbert newsgames If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday? Stephen Colbert usanewsyesterday If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding. Stephen Colbert surveillancegiantsgovernment
