Tomorrow is Election Day. It's what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It's the day Americans leave work early and pretend to vote. David Letterman More Quotes by David Letterman More Quotes From David Letterman Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed. David Letterman bed spring fall Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and Sylvester Stallone. I'm just a kid trying to make a living is the way I feel. David Letterman kids people thinking Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. David Letterman beets valentines-day together Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president. David Letterman united-states president running George Clooney is on the program tonight. Next week at this time I will be in a hardware store watching them mix paint. David Letterman paint tonight next-week Hillary Clinton is now in Iowa. She's spending every waking minute of her day meeting ordinary people, and it's to prepare her for a job in which she will never again meet an ordinary person. David Letterman iowa jobs people Economists believe there are three reasons why the Russian economy is doing so poorly. One, economic sanctions are working. Number two, low-price oil. And number three, Lindsay Lohan has quit drinking vodka. David Letterman economic-sanctions drinking believe Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne. David Letterman tonight men thinking Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them, in 15 years of life I've been able to experience, well, acid reflux, short-term memory loss, and erectile dysfunction. Thanks for all your work. It's great to be alive. David Letterman loss heart memories The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke. David Letterman japan war world Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of Baghdad after 20 years. Fast food and hookers - they are truly living the American Dream. David Letterman kings dream years You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt - and that's just in the hot-dogs. David Letterman baseball dog love-is The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts. David Letterman confused dog spring The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert. David Letterman humor association funny The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who worked for me on this show. Now, my response to that is yes I have. I have had sex with women who worked on this show. Would it be embarrassing if it were made public? Perhaps it would, especially for the women. David Letterman creepy stuff sex One of the remarkable things about being 19 is that you can break open a case of warm beer at midnight and still be wide-eyed and alert for your eight-a.m. class. And that gave me the false impression that my life would always be like that. David Letterman eight beer class There's some kind of a thing where when she was Secretary of State she was using her own e-mail instead of the State Department, and I thought finally, a Clinton scandal the entire family can enjoy. David Letterman scandal mail kind Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material. David Letterman presidential guy today Everybody is wondering what Paris Hilton will be doing next, and hell, I'm wondering what she did before. David Letterman paris next wonder Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a gun, and shoots it eight times. Coincidentally, that's how Hillary got rid of her emails. David Letterman eight guy gun
