Watching soccer just makes me wish I was watching Foosball. Anthony Jeselnik More Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik More Quotes From Anthony Jeselnik On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well. Anthony Jeselnik darkness littles thinking Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy. Anthony Jeselnik pussy valentine cards Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it. Anthony Jeselnik glasses humor funny I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year. Anthony Jeselnik couple trying years I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted. Anthony Jeselnik dad brother mother My perfect night would be going out to an awesome restaurant, then heading over to the Comedy Cellar to hang out with other comics, drinking beers and making fun of each other. Anthony Jeselnik drinking beer fun Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes. Anthony Jeselnik holmes cruise kids I don't want to wake up with cops surrounding my bed tonight. Anthony Jeselnik wake-up tonight bed I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up. Anthony Jeselnik my-own ifs shows My ultimate goal is to do whatever I want, whenever I want to do it. And that keeps changing. I didn't want to host my own show until I wrote for someone else's. Anthony Jeselnik host goal want I don't think Metallica sits around all day wondering why country music fans don't embrace them. Anthony Jeselnik fans country thinking Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it. Anthony Jeselnik crazy jobs men I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really. Anthony Jeselnik voice people past The driving force behind doing everything that I've been doing as a stand-up is having problems with authority and not liking to be told what to do. Anthony Jeselnik driving problem authority In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much. Anthony Jeselnik insult comedy hate People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect. Anthony Jeselnik nice people thinking I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally. Anthony Jeselnik like-something comedy On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it. Anthony Jeselnik tragedy writing people Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse. Anthony Jeselnik new-normal tv-shows september-11 I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic. Anthony Jeselnik topics come-up thinking
