Well, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up! Eddie Izzard More Quotes by Eddie Izzard More Quotes From Eddie Izzard All humans can do more than they think they can do. So I think we can all actually be more superhuman than we think we can. Eddie Izzard superhuman humans thinking You're gay, you sell books... you probably shag the books. Eddie Izzard sells gay book Everyone gets cards at the beginning of life. I am transgender, I decided to be honest and tell everyone about it, and that's it. Eddie Izzard transgender honest cards Drag for me is costume, and what I'm trying to do is, sometimes I'll go around and wear makeup in the streets, turn up to the gig, take the makeup off, do the show, and then put the makeup back on. It's the inverse of drag. It's not about artifice. It's about me just expressing myself. So when I'm campaigning in London for politics, I campaign with makeup on and the nails. It's just what I have on, like any woman. Eddie Izzard nails makeup trying I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing. Eddie Izzard teenage girl thinking Because that's what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn, I'd like to shag myself.' Eddie Izzard everyday mirrors thinking So the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel! Eddie Izzard government native-american years But with dogs, we do have "bad dog." Bad dog exists. "Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog!" The dog is saying, "Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!" "Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry. Eddie Izzard dog sorry funny This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight...one, from...here to there. We'll be cruising at a height of ten feet, going up to twelve and a half feet if we see anything big. And our copilot today is a flask of coffee. Eddie Izzard twelve coffee feet Two languages in one brain? No one can live at that speed! Eddie Izzard language brain two You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is FRESH! I will do well to shop here'. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a POO shop! Everything in here is themed on POO! Eddie Izzard toilets paper thinking You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam! Eddie Izzard land moon jam If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all will be well. Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver' when you're choking to death. Eddie Izzard sarcasm magic sarcastic The National Rifle Association says, 'Guns don't kill people. People do'. But I think the gun helps. Eddie Izzard sarcasm gun sarcastic You have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go THBBBBBT. Eddie Izzard gutters growing-up dream Puberty is the sickest joke God plays on us. So you're just noticing members of the sex: "Girls girls, ooo". Naturally you want to look your best, and God says "No! You will look the worst you've ever looked in your life!" Eddie Izzard girl sarcastic sex If I were Achilles I would put my foot in a f**k off block of concrete! Eddie Izzard block sarcastic funny You piss me off you Salmon... You're too expensive in restaurants. Eddie Izzard restaurants salmon money We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about? Eddie Izzard hairdos hymns earth They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people. Eddie Izzard gun people thinking
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