When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other. W. C. Fields More Quotes by W. C. Fields More Quotes From W. C. Fields Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee. W. C. Fields things-in-lifemarriageold-friends The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his . W. C. Fields comedianlaughterlaughing No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead. W. C. Fields dogmenfunny I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky. W. C. Fields alcoholuseyears Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you. W. C. Fields mind All my available funds are completely tied up in cash. W. C. Fields tied-upfundcash Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch. W. C. Fields bartendingscotchnerves I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home. W. C. Fields grandparenthomemean Thou shalt not steal-only from other comedians. W. C. Fields comedianstealing I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy. W. C. Fields inspirationalfunnybook The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't. W. C. Fields incometailsgiving California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death. W. C. Fields californiarosefall It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent. W. C. Fields pressesagents It's a wonderful thing, the D.T.'s. You can travel the world in a couple of hours. You see some mighty funny and curious things that come in assorted colors. W. C. Fields colorcoupleworld I write my scripts short and they develop on the set, which I have found a far better premise both economically and practically. W. C. Fields scriptsfoundwriting Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed. W. C. Fields philadelphiafoglasts I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months. W. C. Fields nervesdrinkingmoving After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse. W. C. Fields healthfunnytwo I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments. W. C. Fields doctorsdrinkingblood I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night. W. C. Fields drinkingfoodnight
