When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up. Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes From Rodney Dangerfield My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear. Rodney Dangerfield wife humor funny Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me. Rodney Dangerfield zoos men kids I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year. Rodney Dangerfield bisexual sex years I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you." Rodney Dangerfield someday said kids To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride. Rodney Dangerfield waiting two sex I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face. Rodney Dangerfield humor reading funny This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me. Rodney Dangerfield guy morning laughing I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest. Rodney Dangerfield doctors drinking sleep My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat. Rodney Dangerfield antlers wife chocolate Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave. Rodney Dangerfield about-yourself Look out for number one and try not to step in number two. Rodney Dangerfield numbers trying two I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys. Rodney Dangerfield night boys mean I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless! Rodney Dangerfield humor funny thinking With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride. Rodney Dangerfield respect stranger men My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. Rodney Dangerfield uncles family funny My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much. Rodney Dangerfield fighting sex thinking Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion. Rodney Dangerfield opinion wife bed I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. Rodney Dangerfield girl humor funny My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield love life funny When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through. Rodney Dangerfield hilarious witty funny
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