When you're three, you're into custard, and jumping. Russell Howard More Quotes by Russell Howard More Quotes From Russell Howard Music's the best thing we do as humans, isn't it? Music, I mean you flail your limbs, make you move in a way you don't understand. Or it can make you weep like a sailor's wife staring at a storm. Russell Howard wifemeanmoving Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!' Russell Howard queenshumorfunny The Bible says gays arent natural. Russell Howard snakesgaytalking I lived with a guy who had OCD and I used to put Rice Krispies in his slippers before I went out. He went mental, but not before he counted them all. Russell Howard guyhumorfunny So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say - 'Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You've all sucked on my tits.' Russell Howard motherfunnyfather I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there. Russell Howard girlfunnysex 'Come back here, I'm a police officer!' and I shouted back 'No you're not! You're a monster!' Russell Howard policehumorfunny Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad! Russell Howard dadhumorfunny Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!' Russell Howard humorfunnychildren The last time I saw African kids this excited, Madonna was at their school with a net. Russell Howard humorfunnyschool What's the opposite of opposite? Consider yourself bamboozled! Russell Howard humoroppositesfunny If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there'd be headlines of 'Russell How-hard' in the newspapers. Russell Howard takenfunnysex I've never said flange to a monkey! Russell Howard monkeyshumorfunny From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 - stop humping the toaster! Russell Howard predatorhumorfunny Are you recycling? Are you!? You just killed a polar bear! YOU! Russell Howard humorbearsfunny Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you." Russell Howard valentinehumorfunny Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable. Russell Howard humorfunnypeople She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder for? "IDENTITY THEFT!!". Russell Howard humoridentityfunny I'm the munter of my friends. I've got wonky teeth and a lazy eye. My friend Rob is disgusted I'm a heart-throb. Russell Howard humoreyefunny Have you ever thought about letting Cheesus into your Life? Russell Howard humorfunny
