With comics, you always talk about a big break, but there are a lot of big breaks in your life and not one of them makes a big difference. Anthony Jeselnik More Quotes by Anthony Jeselnik More Quotes From Anthony Jeselnik My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby. Anthony Jeselnik cute baby funny When I was little, I would burn ants with a magnifying glass. But now that I'm older, I'm more of a cat guy. Anthony Jeselnik cat glasses guy My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you? Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend want men This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox. Anthony Jeselnik funny-christmas xbox girlfriend Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes. Anthony Jeselnik smart girl sex My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend humor funny Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified. Anthony Jeselnik humor funny jesus I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look. Anthony Jeselnik humor funny looks I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it. Anthony Jeselnik wife baby thinking I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable. Anthony Jeselnik atheist religious funny My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down. Anthony Jeselnik dad funny father My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend mom brother Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "My dad keeps losing his car keys." And then I just think of different ways the story could end. "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend." Then I try it out on stage. I don't do a lot of re-writing. My jokes either work or they don't. The trick is just to write a ton of jokes. Anthony Jeselnik dad girlfriend writing I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend humor funny I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word. Anthony Jeselnik crazy girl sleep I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though. Anthony Jeselnik girlfriend guy lying Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off. Anthony Jeselnik retarded writing way Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer. Anthony Jeselnik cancer wall funny You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby. Anthony Jeselnik pain baby funny I want to get a tattoo of the word irony, only misspelled. Anthony Jeselnik irony tattoo want
