2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. Mitch Hedberg humor soccer funny Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Mitch Hedberg alcohol disease drinking Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something. Mitch Hedberg humor food funny I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular." Mitch Hedberg humor night funny A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time. Mitch Hedberg humor land funny Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament! Mitch Hedberg comedian sarcastic humorous My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. Mitch Hedberg humor doe funny I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. Mitch Hedberg humor caring funny Xylophone is spelled with an X. That's wrong. It should be a Z up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a Z. If someone says, "That's wrong!", you say, "No, it ain't." If you think that's wrong, then you need to have your head Z-rayed. Mitch Hedberg humor funny thinking I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming. Mitch Hedberg humor men funny I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen. Mitch Hedberg humor ants funny I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control. Mitch Hedberg toothpaste humor funny This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty. Mitch Hedberg humorous witty funny I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill. Mitch Hedberg humor funny thinking If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!" Mitch Hedberg car humor funny I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people. Mitch Hedberg humor funny people I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce. Mitch Hedberg vegas humor funny I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But if the gas tank says "E", I get all cocky - "I've got this one, don't worry." So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet. Mitch Hedberg cocky humor funny Every book is a children's book if the kid can read! Mitch Hedberg funny book children What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable. Mitch Hedberg humor drinking funny
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