A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid. Jack Benny More Quotes by Jack Benny More Quotes From Jack Benny I was born in Waukegan a long, long time ago. As a matter of fact, our rabbi was an Indian. Jack Benny matter long facts Modesty is my best quality. Jack Benny modesty quality When you talk about the world's greatest entertainer you have to say Al Jolson because there was no one like him. Only Judy Garland and perhaps Frank Sinatra got anywhere near him! Jack Benny garlands als world The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me except that I have a slight stomach pain. Wait till I get my hospital bill! Then I'll really have a pain the stomach! Jack Benny doctors pain waiting How do I get to Carnegie Hall? Practice. Practice. Practice. Jack Benny carnegie-hall carnegie practice I'm happy to be making my first appearance on air professionally. By that I mean I'm finally getting paid, which I know will be a great relief to my creditors. Jack Benny relief air mean I was going to buy my girl a Packard car for Christmas, but it took too long to deliver, so I bought her some handkerchiefs. Jack Benny car girl long Everything good that happened to me happened by accident. Jack Benny accidents happened Gags die, humor doesn't. Jack Benny gags humor death Any man who would walk five miles through the snow, barefoot, just to return a library book so he could save three cents - that's my kind of guy. Jack Benny snow men book When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it. Jack Benny comedian shows firsts I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too. Jack Benny exaggeration-is business want I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them. Jack Benny comedian hate believe Bill Paley is not only the greatest boss I ever had, but he's the most brilliant, honest and warm human being I've ever met. And I'll say that to his face - even if it costs me my job. Jack Benny boss cost jobs I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers. Jack Benny quitting men funny Try saving when your salary is low. So after making more money, you will not be able to do this anywhere Jack Benny salary saving trying The only way I'll ever get hurt in the casino is if there's an earthquake and a slot machine falls on my foot. Jack Benny hurt earthquakes fall As you may or may not know, in keeping with the high-class tone of Beverly Hills, our police force is probably the most snobbish group of gendarmes in the world. It is said that the Beverly Hills Police Department is so fancy that it has an unlisted number. Jack Benny california class funny I'm like Will Rogers, I never met a man I didn't like... well, Eichmann maybe. Jack Benny roger mets men I began my show business career playing violin in San Francisco at the corner of Market and Taylor. I understand that there is a theater there now. Jack Benny violin san-francisco careers
