Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. Mitch Hedberg More Quotes by Mitch Hedberg More Quotes From Mitch Hedberg My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long. Mitch Hedberg girlfriendhumorfunny I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide. Mitch Hedberg humormenfunny It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. Mitch Hedberg cockyhumorfunny All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. Mitch Hedberg jokescomedyfunny If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable. Mitch Hedberg humorwould-befunny Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.' Mitch Hedberg shavinghumorfunny My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice." Mitch Hedberg humorrealfunny When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That's not fair. That's like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I'm a really good cook, they'd say, "OK, you're a cook. Can you farm?" Mitch Hedberg humorwritingfunny I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008. Mitch Hedberg humorrealfunny I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! Mitch Hedberg humormenfunny The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it." Mitch Hedberg cdshumorfunny I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought ridiculous stuff. I bought a snake bite emergency kit. Then I said to my friends, "Don't even worry about snakes anymore". My friend stepped on a worm, and I said, "Lay down!" Mitch Hedberg humorbrotherfunny I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying "We don't have to fix anything." Mitch Hedberg humorhomefunny A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage. Mitch Hedberg lollipophumorfunny My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause. Mitch Hedberg humorgivingfunny I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies. Mitch Hedberg humorfunnytwo A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag. Mitch Hedberg snakeshumorfunny I hate turkeys. If you go to the grocery store, you start to get mad at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Somebody just needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourselves!" I already like you, little fella. I used to draw you. If you had a couple of fingers missing, you would draw a really messed-up turkey. That turkey was in an accident! Mitch Hedberg couplehatefunny I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti! Mitch Hedberg rebelliousmcdonaldswant My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Mitch Hedberg humorusefunny
