Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist. Doug Stanhope More Quotes by Doug Stanhope More Quotes From Doug Stanhope We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar. Doug Stanhope make-you-thinkgunthinking Your instinct is your true god. Follow it. Doug Stanhope true-godinstinct All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need! Doug Stanhope cancerhumorfunny The first thing I think of when I wake up is how close I am to death. But then it gets better during the day. Doug Stanhope get-betterwake-upthinking The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake. Doug Stanhope catholicchurchbody If you have a good product. You don't need to advertise. You've done drugs? Did you ever see them advertised? Doug Stanhope drugdoneneeds Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious! Doug Stanhope humorbabyfunny Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something's not accurate? Doug Stanhope mirrorsmorningthinking Even your religious friends do not want to hear about God during a medical diagnosis. Doug Stanhope diagnosisreligiouswant The characteristic of a well-bred man is, to converse with his inferiors without insolence, and with his superiors with respect and with ease. Doug Stanhope respecteasemen You want to help mother Earth? Try sodomy. Sodomy is eco-friendly, and abortion is green. Doug Stanhope abortionmothertrying What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority. Doug Stanhope useteacherschool At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless. Doug Stanhope cluelesshumorfunny We must not suppose that, because a man is a rational animal, he will, therefore, always act rationally; or, because he has such or such a predominant passion, that he will act invariably and consequentially in pursuit of it. No, we are complicated machines; and though we have one main spring that gives motion to the whole, we have an infinity of little wheels, which, in their turns, retard, precipitate, and sometime stop that motion. Doug Stanhope passionspringmen Canada, the drinking age is 18, that's unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them. Doug Stanhope agedrinkingpeople There are some occasions in which a man must tell half his secret, in order to conceal the rest; but there is seldom one in which a man should tell all. Great skill is necessary to know how far to go, and where to stop. Doug Stanhope skillsmenorder I have no fear of death, except I hate waiting for it. Doug Stanhope hatewaitingdeath Every 17 seconds a child dies on this planet from no clean drinking water. Good. Let's try to speed it up... there are too many people. Doug Stanhope drinkingchildrenpeople Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job. Doug Stanhope artistjobspeople It's our flaws who make us who we are. Doug Stanhope who-we-areflaws
