Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. Emo Philips More Quotes by Emo Philips More Quotes From Emo Philips I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend. Emo Philips imaginary-friend growing-up kids For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving. Emo Philips driving religious reason Christmas seems to start earlier and earlier every year. Like, this time, it's on December 25th. Emo Philips december seems years I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper. Emo Philips pain real funny Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they're funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows. Emo Philips comedian trying thinking Anger punishes the bearer's heart. Who remains angry suffers most. For many, the search for perfection virtually guarantees it will be found, and disregarded in order to continue the search. Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. Emo Philips heart morning order I have a lot more things to talk about now because I'm an adult. Emo Philips adults Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be. Emo Philips funny-jokes falling-in-love odds I learned about sex the hard way... from books. Emo Philips book sex way I grew up in an era when strange adults would grab me on the street and say: 'Don't do that.' You never see that these days. 'Hi, we took the liberty of spanking your son.' Oh thanks, my hand was getting worn. Emo Philips liberty hands son My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads, where they are safe. Emo Philips humor safe funny Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit. Emo Philips panties fit girl Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. Emo Philips hands I'm totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can't give out a number without laughing. It's a problem when I'm giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: 'He must have just stolen it.' Emo Philips phones numbers thinking I'll do anything for my wife, it's turning out. Emo Philips my-wife wife A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it. Emo Philips scratches records glasses England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'. Emo Philips england humor funny I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently I owe them $800. So I sent them a letter back. I said, If you'll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very own latest government pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference. Emo Philips irs differences government I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak. Emo Philips michigan car lakes Everyone, everywhere, and all the time, used to laugh at me when I was growing up. So, when I was around 18, I thought, 'I'll become a comedian, and then if everyone laughs at me, I'll be famous.' So I went on stage one night and, for the first time in my life, everyone stopped laughing at me. Emo Philips growing-up laughing night
