Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow. by Emo Philips

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

Emo Philips

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You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls. by Emo Philips

You know what I hate the most? People that imitate owls.

hate owl people

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

squash humor funny

But I like to swim. At high school, I tried out for the swim team. I shaved off all my body hair, and that extra burst of speed from all the bullies shouting Kill the fairy.

team hair school

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I... by Emo Philips

I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

humor men funny

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when they have to kill a family member because they are the devil. But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.

worst-times good-day devil

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

coffee morning funny

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good by Emo Philips

My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good

bagels faults home

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-... by Emo Philips

I find you can often find humor just by turning something upside-down. Like a... small child.

small-child upside-down children

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.

humor evil funny

You should get married. When I was younger, I was into the fame and fortune, and now I realize that a loving wife and happy children - that's life's greatest consolation prize.

married wife children

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's imp... by Emo Philips

I've always suffered from a complete inability to sense who's important.

inability important

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragg... by Emo Philips

I was walking down the street. something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

sassy eye feet

I don't know if I have sexual magnetism or animal magnetism, though sometimes I'll find a squirrel stuck to my forehead.

squirrels animal sometimes

I think it's good to know more than the average guy. If I'm in a bar now and some pretty girl is talking to some handsome 24-year-old man, I'll say, "Okay, who's the emperor after Caligula? What chief mistake did Marcus Aurelius make in choosing a successor?" He'll just look like an idiot. She'll just gravitate toward me, I'm thinking. It works in Detroit.

girl mistake men

My sister just had a baby. We can have company over. She'll be in front of everyone with her um... breast... out feeding it. You know... cereal or whatever.

cereal my-sister baby

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to... by Emo Philips

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

humor beautiful funny

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend. by Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

witty friendship funny

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

cost cheer home

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no... by Emo Philips

The American government is making nuclear weapons like there's no tomorrow.

nuclear government weapons

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

white kids america