Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot! Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield More Quotes From Rodney Dangerfield I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun! Rodney Dangerfield suicidalhumorfunny I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. Rodney Dangerfield humorrealfunny My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.' Rodney Dangerfield nicedrinkingmorning With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff. Rodney Dangerfield familyrunningmen My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias. Rodney Dangerfield scotchbirdkids Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid. Rodney Dangerfield egyptdogfunny It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass. Rodney Dangerfield marriagecoupledog I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar! Rodney Dangerfield calendarshumorfunny Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me. Rodney Dangerfield getting-olderguysitting I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull. Rodney Dangerfield phonesgirlnight I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going. Rodney Dangerfield viagrajuicedrinking People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon . Rodney Dangerfield oilnaturalpeople I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...' Rodney Dangerfield suicidalhumorfunny My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away. Rodney Dangerfield baseballplayfather Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution. Rodney Dangerfield situationlife-isfunny I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them. Rodney Dangerfield dinnerteethwife I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it. Rodney Dangerfield realwittyfunny Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. Rodney Dangerfield actorsactingdoe My mother had morning sickness after I was born. Rodney Dangerfield good-morningmotherfunny They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too? Rodney Dangerfield neighborjerkself
